Hello, My Name Is
by Zhailei
Summary: Five good ideas Dick Casablancas never had, or, five bad ones he did. Spoilers up to episode 3:1 - Welcome Wagon. Dick.


Five good ideas Dick Casablancas never had or, five bad ones he did. Spoilers up to episode_ 3:1 Welcome Wagon._

_----------_

_"Then Dick, he said that we should get a limo, and I think that was, like, his first good idea ever."_

#1: If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?

"Come on, Beaver, don't be a pussy!"

"Come on, just jump."

"Dick." Cassidy Casablancas looked down from where he stood, sweat beading his forehead. The others stood below him, looking up. They looked awfully small, the river impossibly shallow.

"Dick, are you sure this is a good idea? It's really high."

Laughter rose up, and Cassidy cringed.

"If you're scared, you know, you don't have to do it." Cassidy recognised his brother's voice. "Me and Enbom and Wacker will do it, and you can go home to mommy and, like, play with dolls or something." He laughed again, then, and Cassidy stepped forward. He wasn't afraid. It was just a stupid idea.

"Beaver."

Cassidy jumped, then, and for a moment, he thought it was going to be all right, after all. Then he hit the water, and, almost immediately, the rocks below.

"Beaver?"

"Shit, Dick -"

"Beav!"

Dick rushed forward, and pulled his brother up. Cassidy let out a yelp of pain.

"Yo, Beav, you okay?"

"Ow! I think I broke my fucking arm."

John Enbom elbowed Dick, and laughed. "I told you the water was too shallow."

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#2: This fire

"Dude, this party is gonna rock!"

"So your dad's out of town for the whole weekend?"

"Hell, yeah! He and the new missus are off for the weekend, leaving Dick in charge."

"And all the refreshments are taken care of?"

"Oh yeah. We've got your refreshments, your warm weather; add some bonfires, and the girls won't be able to keep their clothes on if they try."

"Nice. So ... do we have any bonfires?"

"Oh, hey, good point. Hey, Beaver!" Dick called out to his brother, who looked back over at him. "Beav, what about the bonfires?"

"I looked," Cassidy said. "But there's nothing in the house. The housekeeper must throw out all the newspapers, there's like nothing we can burn."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Come on," he said to Cassidy. "There's gotta be something in there that'll catch fire."

"Like what?" Cassidy asked, as they entered the living room. "I'm telling you, man, I looked, and there's nothing."

"What about dad's office?" Dick was already moving ahead, and Cassidy ran to catch up.

"Dick, I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Relax, bro," Dick said, even as he entered his father's office. He started gathering up papers.

"Dick, wait, you can't burn that. Those are, like, documents and stuff."

"Oh, Beaver, Beaver, Beaver," Dick said, shaking his head. "I've got it covered. It's not like he won't have made copies, and anyway, he probably keeps all the important stuff at the office.

"Do you want a bonfire, or don't you?"

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#3: The wrong side of the tracks

"And come June first, the student with the highest earnings is our winner."

Logan elbowed Dick. "So, know what you're investing in?"

"Hell, yeah."

"And?"

"Wait and see, my friend. Wait and see."

-

"You want us to get a dog."

"No, I want to invest in a dog."

"Invest?"

"Yeah, like dog racing." Richard Casablancas looked unconvinced, so Dick continued.

"Dad, it's, like, for FBLA. We're supposed to invest in stuff. And you're always telling me to think outside the box."

"Aren't you supposed to use virtual money for that?" Cassidy asked, and Dick looked at him.

"Yeah, and where's the fun in that?" Dick asked. He turned back to his dad.

"Look, yeah, I could play with fake money. Or I could take a chance, believe in myself ... follow in your footsteps."

Dick Sr. looked at his son for a long moment. Finally, he said, "all right. You're on."

-

"So, wait, your dad just agreed to front you a million dollars?"

"A hundred thousand. Sort of like a simulated test run or something."

"But you're not testing anything."

"Dude." Dick laid a hand on Logan's shoulder. "I'm testing myself."

"By going to the dog track and getting wasted for a year."

"For extracurricular credit. You in or what?"

-

"And Mr Casablancas." Mr Pope looked up from the projections. "You have managed to lose it all in less than half a semester." He smiled. "Good thing we're not playing with real money, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Dick grumbled. "Good thing."

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#4: And burn your bridges down

"Dude, it'll be awesome."

"I'm sure. But I'm supposed to meet Veronica later."

"So blow her off. Do you want to get these PCHers or what?"

Logan considered for a moment. "All right. I'll meet you there after."

-

"What the hell is that even supposed to say?"

"It says, 'Panty Club for Homos.'"

"You spelled 'panty' wrong," Cassidy pointed out. Dick glared at him.

"All right, whatever," Cassidy said.

"Hey - what is that?" Logan looked around, and Dick and Cassidy followed suit. It only took them a second to figure it out.

"Motorbikes, shit. We better go."

"But the car's all the way over the other side of the bridge."

"Dude, forget it. They'll be here any minute, and believe me, they don't mess around. Let's go!"

-

Later, in the car, Dick was silent except for a few words. "Dude, that was my dad's car. He's gonna kill me."

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#5: Panty raid

"Dude, let's get this party started!"

"What party?"

"Exactly." Dick, almost managing to stay upright, leaned in. "This place is lame. We gotta get some action."

"I think there's supposed to be a mixer later tonight -"

"Later? Later is too late, my friend. The time is now. Come on, let's do it."

"Do what?"

"Panty raid!" Dick shouted. "Girls' dorms, naked chicks - you know what I'm talking about. So, are you in, or are you queer?"

"Sure. You go ahead, I'll catch up to you."

-

"Ladies, it's your lucky night!"

"Looking for a little action? Looking for a little Dick?"

"Come on, you know you want it! You love Dick. Let me hear you say it."

"Panty raid! Give 'em up to papa."

-

"Dick Casablancas?"

"Yeah," Dick said.

"You have twenty-four hours to move your things out of the dorms." The Dean looked at him, and frowned. "You're lucky you aren't expelled."


End file.
